Beyond homesickness: Western wives in Egypt
By Sara Khorshid
Middle East Times
Published October 14, 2005
With Karen's niqab (veil) covering up most of her face, you
can still see bitterness in her eyes. You can hear resentment in her voice
as she tells her story.
She refuses to have her real name and
nationality published, but she claims to speak on behalf of many Western
women living in Egypt, married to, or divorced from, Egyptians.
After converting
to Islam, Karen moved to Egypt with a few other women who shared with her
idealistic ideas about living in a Muslim-majority country. They were soon
confronted with the reality about the people's "ignorance of Islam" and
deviation from its teachings.
Her first year as a foreigner on her own in
Cairo was the most difficult. "I have never felt as lonely as I felt here
in this city with 16 million people," she says. "Being a woman as well as
a foreigner put me in a double disadvantage. It's a men's country, [where]
men don't take women seriously ... and tend to take advantage of them."
She decided she
couldn't stay in Egypt unless married and she accepted a marriage offer by
an Egyptian man, a decision that she regrets. "Marriage itself is
difficult, cross-cultural marriage is more difficult, and when you don't
understand the other's culture, you have a third degree of difficulty."
Cultural
differences resulted in her divorce.
Egypt's culture, in Karen's opinion, is one of
manipulation, not directness. "Egyptians are obsessed with covering their
back. In the West we are direct because we have a system that covers us
up." As a result, she says, "The [Egyptian] husband [of a Western woman]
thinks, 'My wife is not respecting me' when all what she is doing is being
direct."
Cultural
differences made Karen feel "oppressed" in her marriage: "The Western
woman enters the relationship on a 50-50 basis, whereas men in Egypt tend
to be brought up to feel they are superior to the girls in the family.
"For example, she
expects the husband to hold the baby while she cooks something, but men in
Egypt don't accept that. They won't do what's qualified as 'women's
work'."
"Yes they
will," says Kris Johnson, speaking of her Egyptian husband, who gives her
a hand when she needs assistance. They have lived in harmony for more than
11 years, proving that Karen's husband does not represent all Egyptian
men.
"It's wrong
to generalize," says Hawa Irfan, the head of the Cyber Counseling service
of IslamOnline.net. "Within Egypt, the northern man differs from the
southern man," then men differ from one city to another; and even inside
Cairo, they differ from one area to another -- let alone personality
differences apart from social environments.
Irfan, a foreigner living in Egypt herself,
believes that a Western wife suffers when she sees herself "separate or
different from the social system she has married into."
An American from
Minnesota, Kris doesn't consider herself "foreign" in Egypt: "I have a
dual personality. I am Egyptian here and American when I go to the
States."
But she
doesn't give up her own culture completely. "Inside, I am no longer
American but I am not so Egyptian that I forget my country and my
family.... Look at my kids: They are half and half."
The family live
with two cultures in one house, taking pride in their ability to "combine
the two cultures successfully."
To Kris, the key to a foreign woman's success
in Egypt is conformity: "I have foreign friends in Egypt fighting against
what they don't like; they end up feeling lost and frustrated. If you
don't conform, you will be on the outside. If you don't go with the status
quo in Egypt, you will be rejected." She points out that Egyptians refuse
to cope with what's foreign, what they don't know.
The Western
wife's success, says Irfan, depends, again, on "how she identifies with
the social circle she has married into".
As strong family ties hold Egyptian society
together, Western wives living in Egypt have to constantly deal with their
in-laws. How the wife manages her relationship with her husband's family,
shapes her marital life.
If she doesn't identify with the social circle
of her husband, says Irfan, "she ends up not only alienating herself, but
also forcing her husband to make choices between her and the social circle
he belongs to."
Karen's husband made his choice: "His family
came first," she says. "If you think I am going to put you before my
family, you are out of your mind," he once told her.
The case is
different for the Irish wife Aisha Fitzpatrick. She maintains warm ties
with her in-laws, who live with her on the same building. "They are very
good, kind people.... They appreciate my coming from Ireland to live with
their son here in Egypt," she says.
Her Belgian friend, Sumaya Mommerency, has a
normal relationship with her husband's family, but she finds difficulty in
convincing them with her opinion. "They think they know everything better
and that I don't know anything while I am only different from them,"
Sumaya says.
Aisha advices her, "You just have to be
yourself but in a nice, polite way."
Their American friend Umm Mustafa (Mustafa's
mother) is not close to her husband's parents after living with them for
15 years. "We don't really talk." Umm Mustafa and her in-laws speak
different languages and share no interests to talk about in the first
place. "We are not enemies, but not friends," she says.
This group of
Western women in Egypt seek refuge in a weekly gathering that strengthens
their friendship. "It's nice to meet foreigners like myself and speak with
them in English," says Aisha.
Their Canadian friend Cathy Hanafy agrees:
"It's an excellent group that provides an excellent support system."
Having lived in Egypt with her husband for more than 13 years, she has
never had a true friendship with an Egyptian. "With Egyptian women, there
seems to be something missing. I don't know what it is, but it's difficult
for me to have a solid relationship with an Egyptian woman," she says.
The circle of
Western women friends provides a social-support mechanism that prevents
them feeling isolated, "which, in turn, impacts [their] marriage," says
Irfan.
It gives
Sumaya another advantage: "You can speak your mind about Egypt," she says.
She hates Egypt's
bureaucracy, hypocrisy, and intolerance of what's foreign and different.
She likes its hospitality and slow pace.
Cathy likes the Egyptians' friendliness. She
misses Canada's nature and cleanliness.
Karen, who chose to remain in Egypt after her
divorce, likes the Egyptian people's kindness. "I have never had my car
break on the road, for example, without finding someone coming to help."
"There are a lot
of good people here, especially from the low and middle classes," she
adds. She likes the religious basis that bounds them. "If there is any
problem, you can always refer to Islam and remind people of Allah. Even
those who are not religious will know exactly what you are saying." It was
her decision to wear niqab -- uninfluenced by her ex-husband -- out
of religion-related motives.
Karen also likes the "healthy family
structure" in Egypt. She encourages her kids to socialize with their
father's family. "It's a support system that prevents them from feeling
alone."
As for
Kris, she loves Egypt's unexpectedness. "Everyday in Egypt brings
something different, undetermined. Everyday can be exciting. Life in Egypt
is an adventure. America is boring" with a routine way of life, she says.
Yet, she holds on
to a "one-year rule" that enables her to visit her country: "I can't stay
more than one year in Egypt, or I will find myself baring my teeth on the
street and getting mad at everybody."
"I think Egyptians will love this one-year
rule too," she says with a laugh.